When I told my friend Nora that I was pregnant with a boy, she looked at me over plates of pasta and said, “Oh, Joanna, you have the opportunity to raise a kind man.” I thought that was such a beautiful and moving sentiment, and over the past 16 years, I’ve thought a lot about it. I’ve taught my two boys about consent, periods, apologies, generosity, the list goes on.
At 12 and 15, they’re absolute sweetest, but one thing that STILL drives me nuts is how I have to micromanage their chores. “Can you clear the table?” I’ll ask, and then point out that they still have to put away the salt and pepper, and my plate counts, too, and remember to wipe the table, and guys, don’t leave the glasses on the counter! Gahhh!!!! Or I’ll ask them to shut the shutters in the evening, and instead, they’ll absentmindedly turn off the light. “Oh, sorry,” they’ll say when I correct them. “I didn’t really hear you.”
Recently, we wrote about t-shirts that say “Dept of Invisible Labor,” and readers loved them. It’s so easy to feel like you’re silently running the show, while everyone else is cluelessly bumping around. One reader replied, “I bought the Dept of Invisible Labor tee faster than you can say ‘Can you make me a list?’”
CAN YOU MAKE ME A LIST???? * all the skull emojis *
I realized, SO HELP ME GOD, that I will not raise boys who ask their partners to just give them a list of things to do. I will not! I cannot! And suddenly I remembered something I’d seen on Instagram or Substack — (if you know the name of the person, please tell me so I can link to them) — about a mom who handled chores a different way, so I decided to do the same.
Here’s how: Nowadays, instead of telling my kids exactly what to do to help, and then reminding and instructing them as they drift through the tasks, I ask them, “Toby and Anton, before we go to bed, can you please do three things to help in this room?” And they have to LOOK AROUND and NOTICE THINGS THAT NEED DOING and DO THEM.
I mean!!! How great is that? It feels like such a no-brainer, it’s like answer to a riddle.
At first, when I asked them to do three things, they were ready to help, but still looked around, confused. “What should I do?” one asked me. “It honestly looks pretty clean in here,” said the other. I encouraged them to keep looking and pointed out a few things until, in a couple nights, they got the hang of it.
Now, when I ask them to do three things, they’ll jump into action. “I’m going to take all the sweatshirts and socks to our rooms,” Anton said last night. “Then I’ll wipe the counter and take out the trash.” Next, Toby looked around and said, “I’ll put all our water glasses away and set out the cereal for the morning and turn off the lights since we’re going to bed.”
These boys! I have to say, in the past 16 years, I’ve seen that kids do want to be kind and good, they want to help and feel capable. And guess what? When these boys grow up into kind men, they will be ready and willing to write their own damn lists.
Anton and his cousin Jimmy at Christmas dinner, before clearing the table.
Jimmy: “Can you text that photo to my mom?” hahahaha
Thoughts? Would (or do) you do this? What other parenting hacks have you figured out through the years? I’d LOVE to hear.
P.S. How I taught my kids to chat at dinner, and the teen, the tween, the toddler, and the bump.
